I don’t want to come across too harsh, but there’s real evil in this world. I know you know that. But I was shocked to learn that the makers of kids’ toys are some of the most evil. Like, a sinister and genuinely wicked kind of evil. I promise you, I can’t possibly understate this evil.

My son Hendrik has many toys. I think my wife and I have probably bought a single-digit percentage of these toys. It’s just the way things happen. Excited grandparents, aunts, and uncles spoil your kid, and whatever, you live with it. It’s fine. But there are certain toys that I’m positive were conceptualized by the devil himself. Like toys that make noise. And look, I don’t mean all toys that make noise. There are plenty of toys that make an appropriate amount of noise. But the ones I’m talking about…

Let me just tell you about a couple of these toy vehicles my son owns. First, the switch on the bottom is plenty large so he’s able to turn it on and off no problem. That’s a travesty. Second, the vehicle itself plays over 20 different sound clips. Not sounds. Like 10-second clips of songs, sound effects, and inane drivel from voice actors who probably hate children. The retailer actually markets that as a positive thing, and I still can’t believe it. Thirdly, the truck (whose name is Tommy, and he’ll never let you forget it) is a tow truck. Whoever recorded the voice for “Tommy the Tow Truck” had a level of unmatched energy that is enough to drive a person crazy. The tone and pitch of the voice is a shrill, goofy, just absolutely horrific sound. Fourth, Tommy the Tow Truck will automatically start talking to you if youΒ haven’t moved it or touched it or looked at it for longer than 30 seconds. Tommy is possessed by demons, is what I’m trying to say here.

But seriously, who in this beautiful world would come up with something like that? My kid FINALLY stops playing with the most annoying noise-making toy on this earth, but 30 seconds later, Tommy opens his big stupid mouth to remind my sweet child with a 25-second attention span that he still exists. WHY?!?!?

I know what you’re thinking. Take the batteries out. Here’s the thing, though. My son loves Tommy the Tow Truck and all of Tommy’s friends. I’m a good dad who loves his son dearly. I tried, man. I promise I tried. I took the batteries out one day while the Muggo was napping. He woke up and tried to turn Tommy back on, but nothing happened. The sadness in his eyes melted my cold, steely heart immediately. Tommy was alive less than a minute later. And that’s where the real evil lives. These toys ingratiate themselves into your children’s lives, sink their falcon-like claws into your ever-impressionable kids, then never ever let go.

I had a dream the other night about Tommy the Toy Truck. All day today I had one of Tommy’s insanely stupid jingles stuck in my head. This demon-truck needs to be stopped.

Dear toymakers, cut it out. Seriously.

-Nearly insane parents everywhere. ♦