Did you know that almost every day of the year is an official holiday? Not a government holiday where we get time off of work and spend it grilling burgers and playing cornhole in someone’s back yard. But each day carries some sort of significant meaning. To whom? I couldn’t tell you, but somebody decided that every little thing needed it’s own day. Well, that’s what I’m going to write about this week. Welcome to the definitive Official Daily Holiday Rankings.
Here’s the setup: There are ~30 of these “official holidays” for each month, so I picked my favorite one from each month, then ranked the months, therefore crowning the best “official holiday” in a completely subjective and totally biased manor. At the very least, I’ll offer some reasoning, but if you don’t agree, well, tough cookies. In reverse order, here are the Official Daily Holiday Rankings:
This poor month. I really wished it would have had better options, but instead September got stuck with the likes of Hobbit Day, Ask A Stupid Question Day, and International Talk Like A Pirate Day. The latter might be the worst holiday of the year, but I believe there’s one that’s worse. I’ll talk about it later (check out May). But can you imagine everyone you come into contact with that day speaking like a pirate? I feel like the homicide rate would skyrocket.
As much as those holidays stink, there are some good ones, like Eat An Extra Dessert Day. But here’s the most curious case: September 6th, which is both Fight Procrastination Day and Read A Book Day. Think about it for a second.
As much as I love extra dessert, the best holiday of September is Punctuation Day I am a stickler for punctuation and really grammar in general The latest trend of people writing long tweets/Facebook posts and NOT using punctuation drives me nuts What about you
The last month, but not the worst. December has a few good ones that are good because they are ironic. And I love irony. For instance, Thank You Note Day – guess what day that is? December 26. That’s funny. But the winner of December? That’s December 31st, which is Make Up Your Mind Day. That is something I’m bad at, and I often wait until the last minute to make decisions, so Make Up Your Mind Day falling on Dec. 31…it completes me.
In at #10 comes the fourth month of the year. There aren’t any glaringly awful ones, but there aren’t too many to write home about. Except for one. And that, my friends, is Grilled Cheese Day. The only real bad one is Barbershop Quartet Day, which is bad only because, well…ask yourself this question…”Self, when was that last time I saw a barbershop quartet performing and didn’t suddenly feel an overwhelming amount of embarrassment well up within me for no damn reason?”
I rest my case.
February is…umm…let’s just say it’s a weird month. There’s good – Chocolate Mint Day and Chocolate Fondue Day – but then there’s also bad, like Toothache Day and Work Naked Day. Maybe lay off the chocolate and you won’t have to worry about the toothaches. Ever think of that?
As much as I love chocolate, I couldn’t select either of those days. And here’s why. You can ask my wife what I love more than chocolate and she’ll tell you before you even finish your question that it’s carbs. Give. Me. All. The. Carbs. If I could marry an giant carbohydrate, you better believe there’s no way that would happen because what kind of monster do you think I am? That’s gross and shame on you for thinking I’d dump my hot wife for a carbohydrate.
All that said, Tortilla Chip Day completes me in many ways. I’ve especially liked salty carbohydrates lately because I have it built up in my mind that the salt content helps to keep me from sweating after my workouts. It doesn’t, but don’t tell my brain that.
World Storytelling Day is an absolute no-brainer for this one. If you’ve read TheMuggo.com (guess what…you have) you know that storytelling is sort of what makes this site go. But man, this is the first month that I’ve questioned my methodology because March is chalk full of great holidays. For instance, International Goof Off Day (no explanation needed), Proposal Day ((which falls on 3/20 – my parents’ wedding day. (and yeah, I know the difference between proposing and marrying. Just go along with it)), Awkward Moments Day (because, YASSSSSS), and finally Cinco de Marcho (which sorta feels wrong and I can’t totally pinpoint why).
The lone bad one is Dentist’s Day. Only horrible people would argue with that. Well, horrible people and dentists. You know what, I’ll stand by what I said. Only horrible people would argue with that.
Ahh, October. Home month of American Beer Day, Mole Day, Caps Lock Day, World Smile Day, and Taco Day. That’s a pretty good line up. And in any other month, Taco Day possibly could have been the winner. But there’s only one true champ in October, and that’s Pierogi Day. Remember what I said earlier about carbs? And did you notice my last name is Gapinski, which traces back to Polish origin? And did you know that pierogi’s are my second favorite food in the world?
Worst day in October? Candy Corn Day and it’s really not up for debate.
Now we’re starting to get into the big time players. How about Buy Nothing Day, which ironically falls on Black Friday? That’s clutch. But November also has some real nutty ones, like Create Your Unique Talent Day (huh?), National Absurdity Day (hooboy), Author’s Day (okay, that one is cool), Chaos Never Dies Day (wait, what?), Happy Hour Day (you need a full day for happy hour?), and Saxophone Day (shouts to Kenny G).
As odd as those holidays are, all it takes to register at #6 in this list is one good one. That’s just common sense. No, really. I’m talking about Common Sense Day. There aren’t too many things in this life that I love more than common sense. Why? Well, because I have a lot of it. Book smarts? Eh, that’s iffy. But me and common sense go hand in hand, like peanut butter and jelly. Thelma and Louise. Cops and robbers. Tom and Jerry.
Wait. Not Tom and Jerry. Forget that one.
January got ranked 5th in these standings, but I would listen to arguments that it should be 2nd or 3rd. Why? Because the winner in January is Run It Up The Flagpole And See If Anyone Salutes It Day. What is that, you ask? Well, Wikipedia describes it like this: It means “to present an idea tentatively and see whether it receives a favorable reaction.” Now look, my workout buddies can attest to this – I’m awesome at this. I get ideas constantly and even before a thought has completely developed, I’m already bringing it up for feedback. Depending on the response I get, I can either hammer it until it’s completely worn out, or I can abandon it just as quickly as it entered my mind. To me, Run It Up The Flagpole… isn’t just a cliche. On the contrary, it’s basically my entire decision-making process.
Of course that’s not ideal, but I’ve made it 32 years on this earth. Plus, life is more interesting that way. I’m a big fan of Run It Up The Flagpole Day. It’s a holiday I can really get behind.
The only real challenger to Run It Up The Flagpole Day was Buffet Day. Which is on January 2nd. Think about it for a second. Penguin Awareness Day registered a close third place.
Remember Pierogi Day earlier? Well, there’s a reason that day is #7 and Lasagna Day is #4. If you don’t love lasagna, I gotta think you probably hang out with dentists. Because you’re all just so very miserable.
July also had some of the weirder holidays, like Workaholics Day, Take Your Pants For A Walk Day, and finally, Sidewalk Egg Frying Day.
The only real disappointment I have for July is that they don’t have any good holidays on 7/11. I really feel like we’ve missed the mark here. No Slushie Day? Who’s running this thing anyway? I cordially invite that person to get their poop in a group.
I’m conflicted about the overall quality of the holidays in May. First off, Talk Like Yoda Day sounds like my personal hell. In addition, May 4th is proud to host three different holidays – Star Wars Day, Space Day, and No Pants Day. I can’t be the only one to wonder if this isn’t coincidental.
As bad as those holidays are, you might be wondering to yourself how and why May made it all the way to #3 on this prestigious list. The answer is simple, it only takes one. And that one?
Lost Sock Memorial Day.
How can you not vote for that holiday? I don’t know the story behind it, but I have to believe every one of us has lost a sock or two that meant something to us. I remember my childhood in a family of six, we had a laundry basket filled to the brim with misfit socks. Every month or so, all six of us would sit down and sort through the entire thing trying to find matches. I promise you – there were hundreds of socks, and we’d come away with like 10 or 12 matches. Lost Sock Memorial Day is so important and I think it’s about time we start showing it the respect it deserves.
(quick aside – a few months ago, I got to work and sat down in my chair and felt something itchy on my knee. I reached down to scratch the itch, but felt something odd. At first I thought there was a bug or spider crawling around under my pant leg, but when I stood up, I felt whatever it was fall down to my ankle. Sure enough, it was one of the Muggo’s socks tangled up inside my dress pants.)
I was tempted to put August in the top spot. It’s my birthday month (my birthday is August 15, which is Relaxation Day). 31 days. Starts with the letter “A”. Can be used as a unisex name. It’s a good month.
August is the proud owner of holidays like Kiss And Make Up Day (super important), Tell A Joke Day (duper important), Middle Child Day (super duper important), and Ice Cream Sandwich Day (uber important). And that’s all before I mention Lazy Day, Creamsicle Day, International Beer Day, and Watermelon Day. August is stacked with incredible holidays.
One of the more emotional holidays is one that Millennials, in general, will find to be pretty impactful. Pluto Demoted Day. On August 24, 2006, Pluto lost it’s planethood. And all mankind lost a part of themselves. Where ever you may be, make sure you pour one out for your homie Pluto today.
Enough sadness. Let’s talk about the 2nd best holiday of the year. And that is Left-handers Day. I need you all to realize something. Growing up left-handed is difficult. Consider this: up until very recently, school desks, scissors, binders, notebooks, sports equipment, etc. etc. – all of these things were made for right-handed people only. As a young boy, I remember specifically going to the store in search of a baseball glove to wear on my right hand and getting to choose between one that was about three times too big, and one that was made of blue plastic. Gloves for the left hand? Hundreds of ’em.
So yeah, we left-handers deserve a holiday. It’s the least this nation can do. You righties get every other day. I’m not bitter. You’re bitter!
I thought this would be a harder choice. But it was easy. The easiest, in fact.
June 23 is the Muggo’s birthday (the child, not the website). June 23 is also Typewriter Day. TheMuggo.com is an old-timey type of website. Long-form prose is a hard sell in today’s microwave society. You know what else is old-timey? Typewriters. You know what is one of the coolest inventions since 1878? Typewriters. You know whose opinion matters most on this topic? The writer’s. And that phrase, in print, is very close to the word ‘typewriters’. Facts.
And that’s not all. June also hosts Chocolate Pudding Day, National Doughnut Day, and Bourbon Day. There’s even a stretch in early June that goes Leave The Office Early Day (6/2), Repeat Day (6/3), and Leave The Office Early Day (6/4) again. That’s brilliant.
#12 – September – Punctuation Day
#11 – December – Make Up Your Mind Day
#10 – April – Grilled Cheese Day
#9 – February – Tortilla Chip Day
#8 – March – World Storytelling Day
#7 – October – Pierogi Day
#6 – November – Common Sense Day
#5 – January – Run It Up The Flagpole And See If Anyone Salutes It Day
#4 – July – Lasagna Day
#3 – May – Lost Sock Memorial Day
#2 – August – Left-handers Day
#1 – June – Typewriter Day
I’d love to get your take on this. What’s your favorite holiday? Put it in the comments. Own it. ♦