• Make sure to dry your right hand really well after you wash it. If not, you’re guaranteed to run into the CEO and the rest of the executive leadership as you step out of the bathroom. Slimy handshakes all around. (Where did I write down my LinkedIn password?)
  • Always stop by the bathroom before you get on an elevator. (What do you mean “we’ve stopped?”)
  • Do not choose the smallest urinal…unless the only other choice is next to another guy.
  • At the urinal, the most interesting thing in your world is the 2 inch square directly in front of your eyes–do not look down for any reason, do not joke about your “junk hanging in the water”. There will be time for jokes when you are 90 and things actually do hang down in the water.
  • If you drop your mobile phone while at the urinal kick it away! If retrieving it requires you to reach under a stall just write it off and tell your wife you were robbed.
  • In the stalls, silence your phone’s ringer since the lock button on some phones sounds just like a camera taking a photo when you push it.
  • After the age of 3 dropping your trousers and underwear around your ankles to use the urinal is not okay.
  • Acceptable speaking zones are the row of sinks or–as long as the two of you were already talking as you came in–the urinals. Observe 2 inch square rule noted above.
  • Always carry a few dollars in case someone in the restroom hands you a towel. In a nice establishment it means he is getting paid to do it. In a not-nice-establishment you can throw the bills on the floor and run since most people will naturally go after free money first.
  • Acceptable conversation topics in the restroom include football, basketball, non-confidential work related items. Baseball is definitely out as are gladiator movies and movies without car chases.
  • Public vs. Private
    • Public Restrooms: Men do not go together (except as noted above).
      Private restrooms: Men do not go together.
    • Public Restrooms: Women go together. Do not follow. Liquid courage is NOT your friend. Tom Cruise in Top Gun is a lie.
      Private Restrooms: Women don’t USUALLY go together. Use your best judgement.